oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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