my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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