I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
