I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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