booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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