he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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