The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
