ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
