just tell him i said nine months
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
