i will never coherently bang her
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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