I didn't shave. On purpose
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
