My first STD was from a foam party
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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