Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
