She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
