you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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