The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
