My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
