I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
