I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
