you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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