When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
