last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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