I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He better not be in your backpack
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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