I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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