Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
