Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
