i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
