Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fill condoms, not promises.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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