I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
