69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
