I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
