I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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