i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
