She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
