: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
