Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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