I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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