her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize