So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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