Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
