I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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