my phone needs a breathalizer
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
