I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize