how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
