You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
