I cockslap morals
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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