im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
