I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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