Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is Oprah even human
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
