just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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