I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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