why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
