Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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