the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
