So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Someone shit on the floor
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize