I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
