The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
