im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
