My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
